Sunday, August 7, 2011

summer is trying my patience


this summer is trying my patience. or perhaps just this past month is. i know i needed to quit my job and i've already gone into all of that, but now i feel like i'm sitting here in limbo. i'm waiting to find a job, i'm waiting to start school, i'm waiting for someone to start buying my etsy hats. i'm tired of waiting. i want something to happen. something good.

i want the check from my recently abandoned profit-sharing account to arrive so i don't have to worry so much about money. i want school to hurry up and get here so i can start learning and growing and embracing my future. i want to not feel guilty for relaxing for this last month of summer and to actually be able to live in the moment and enjoy this unexpected time off that i would've given anything a month ago to have.

i'm not saying that i wish i didn't quit. it's just that now nothing's settled but nothing's happening either and i'm just waiting. for everything. i hate waiting. it's one thing when you plan a vacation. then it's okay to lay around and read or watch tv. but right now it's hard to even enjoy that, even though i want to so bad. i feel this expectant-ness pressing down on me, like something's about to happen, i just don't know when.

i promised myself that this blog would be a happy, fun, creative place but truthfully, that isn't always how i feel. since i also promised myself that this blog would be about just me, not some phony, made-up me, but just me as i am, i guess sometimes i won't always be able to post happy, fun, creative things. but i guess that's okay too.

sometimes the me that i want to be and the me that i am are two different people. maybe that's an infp thing or maybe a gemini thing, or maybe none of that matters and it's just a human thing.

sometimes i just wish that i could see into the future and know that everything was going to be alright. that this boring stretch of stressful nothingness will be just blip in my history in the long run and won't even matter.

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